Afraid Of Myself
by CrystalOcean7
Summary: Deidara's point of veiw. He write a dairy entry about his beginning relationship with Sasori and how they became boyfriends. Deidara x Sasori fluff.


Dear Dairy,

My name is Deidara.

This is my first time writing, but so much has happened over the past few days that I was recommended by my partner to write down my feelings and later burn this dairy. He does not want an emotional break down or something. As if...

Sasori is my partner in a criminal organization notoriously known in our world as Akatsuki. He's many years older then me, but he preserved his body. He makes wooden puppets to use in battle that he believes is art.

I respect that, even though I know he is wrong. True art is something that only last in a signal moment, dieing quickly. Like explosives. I ranged in different levels of explosives, all starting at my beautiful and perfected sculpted clay. I mold the clay and explosive recipe together, resulting in unique true art.

Sasori is the cause of my emotions...

We argued most of the beginning of our partnership. My Boss or Akatsuki Leader, thought is would be smart to group two artist together. Looking back, he probably feels regretful.

No one can see how we truly feel.

Yes. We argue about art. It is our way of life and part of who we are... literally... but they do not see the side of Sasori I have seen.

He trusts me. Perhaps my love of art has gained his respect?

I am the only one who has seen his true body outside of that freakish puppet Hiruko.

It started as a usual argument over true art. Sasori seemed rather more tense then he normal on the subject. We were completely alone.

My parter, who I thought was that ugly puppet Hiruko, slipped from outside the shell and revealed his true body to me. He bragged about how his art was better by showing me his body.

I had the urge to touch him. To reach out and feel his skin. He looked so life-like and real, and feminine too.

I asked Master, his nickname, since Sasori treats me like a slave; I asked him if I could touch his body. I made sure to add it was for "artistic judging".

Sasori did not seem to notice the way I felt.

He agreed to let me touch his body. It was an amazing feeling, touching his fake skin. It felt so real.

I ran my hands over his face and down his body. It was as if my hands had a mind of it's own. But I knew my mind wanted it too.

In that moment, I started to freak out. I pulled away.

I felt like something was wrong with me.

He was another man, I knew this, but no matter how much I told myself he was male, my body reacted liked I touched a female. I was hard.

Sasori seemed surprised by my actions. He later told me he thought I was freaked out by the fact he was a living puppet. I still feel guilty for that misunderstanding.

But, during that time, I had what seemed like a serious problem to confront. I was attracted to another male and I did not understand why.

I stayed as far away from Sasori as far as I could after that day.

It was only a matter of time before we went on a mission together. I walked far ahead of him on the path or flew high in the air away from him.

It was not until we had to spend the night in a hotel that I was forced to stay near him.

I tried to sleep early.

As I felt the world drift into darkness, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see my partner, my sweet feminine looking parter, touching my arm.

I realized two things. One; Sasori was out of his ugly shell and looking extremely attractive. Two; he was touching me.

I forced myself not to think about it and pulled away.

"I want to talk," My partner said in a dark voice, but not like his threatening Hirko voice, a gentler and angry at the situation voice.

I did not look at his face in fear of what would happen.

"What?" I grunted, trying to sound tried. I was fully awake at the time.

"You have been avoiding me." He said in a growl. His hand traveled to my hair, brushing most the golden strands to my back.

It was like torture. I wondered if he knew what he was doing to me.

I bit my bottom lip and shut my eyes tight, trying to imagine something else.

"So?" I muttered cruelly, hoping to send him away.

"So we are partners and have to work as a team. If your having a problem dealing with my artistic design, tell me?" Was the words that entered my ears.

I opened my eyes and turned abruptly to him in surprise, trying to understand if he knew what I felt.

He looked so sad. I did not understand what he meant until he spoke again, "Deidara, if you think I'm a freak-... just..." Sasori looked ready to burst into tears.

I opened my mouth to speak, then shut it again. I had no idea how to tell him he was the most beautiful thing I had laid my eyes on and he turned me on.

"You do think it, don't you!" He snapped. The tears suddenly fell from his eyes and would not stop falling.

I instinctively reached my hand to his face, try to get him to stop. But he would stop crying.

"I look so weak right now!" He snapped, more at himself then me, I believe.

"All these years... I never cried once. It's like... all that pain and loneliness is finally escaping. I wish it would stop, but it hurts so much... Deidara. I thought if anyone wouldn't hate me, it would be you, but your just like everyone else-"

I felt angry he did not understand how I felt.

"That's not true!" I snapped back at him.

He sniffled and in my mind I thought he looked so cute crying like that... I also feel guilty for enjoying his cute child like chubby face at a time like this.

"Yes it is!!!" He snapped back at me. "Why else would you ignore me!?"

I breathed heavily, so close to breaking. The words slipping from my mouth.

"Because Sasori, your too attractive for your own good and it makes me hard, un."

I bite my bottom lip, realizing I could of worded that better.

Sasori had finally stopped crying and was looking at me oddly, blushing.

"You-...? ...You like guys?" He finally asked, breaking what felt like a very awkward silence for me.

I looked at him. He was so much smaller then me and his cute chubby face looked child-like. I felt like a pedophile.

"Something like that. I have no idea, to be honest. I've never been sexually attracted to anyone before you." I looked away in a light blush, scratching my head.

Sasori looked down at his fingers, fidgeting them.

"You want to date me?" He muttered, not looking me in the eyes and began to fidget more.

"I understand if you don't..."

I felt guilty. It was not Sasori's fault I had trouble understanding my sexuality.

"No. It isn't that I don't like you Sasori, but I... I'm still trying to understand my attraction to another male, un."

Sasori looked up at me.

"I personally find myself attracted to you." He muttered, ukishly.

I blinked.

I did not understand it at. The attraction to the same gender.

"Why?" I asked. This question is somewhat stupid now I look back at it. I think I wanted an answer to the reason I liked him, not why he liked me.

"Because Deidara... your so beautiful." He said, smiling and looking shy.

I think it is odd Sasori ended up being the uke, but it might be because he lacks social skills.

I blushed.

"You think I'm beautiful? That makes me sound like a girl, un." I said, probably more in a cruelty then I wanted.

Sasori grabbed my hand, running his fingers along mine and causing me to try to hide my blush. It was light pressure against my skin that sent tingles down my spine.

"Deidara, if you did not wear your hair so long, you might look more male." He giggled.

I wrapped my hand around his fingers. His fingers seemed small in my hand.

"I doubt it. You have short hair and you still look feminine."

Sasori pursed out his lips, looking childish.

I suddenly realized it was Sasori's fault I was this way. If he did not look so feminine, I would not be attracted to him.

"I can not do this..." I muttered, pulling away and running a hand through my hair nervously.

Sasori looked at me through those sweet eyes. He looked so cute. I mentally scolded myself.

"What do you mean?! I thought you liked me..." Sasori said, sadness returning to his eyes.

"I shouldn't!" I snapped.

"Your another male. Not a female. I shouldn't like you, un."

Sasori sat there, nibbling his bottom lip and looking depressed.

"Your homophobic?" He finally broke the silence.

I looked at him in surprise. Having said it like that, it made me sound like asshole.

"No... I have no problem with gays, un. I have a problem with being gay myself."

Sasori stared at me, deep in thought. I wondered what he was thinking.

"Then... what if you did not calm attraction to males completely? You could be just bi-curious..."

I stared at him.

"It is not that easy, un." I muttered, laying back in my bed and closing my eyes.

"Why not?" I heard him ask.

I had to think through this question. To be honest, I did not know the answer. I just knew the thought of liking my own gender left my stomach feeling sick.

"Because it isn't." I answered.

Sasori lay next to me on the bed and hugged me, his hands wrapped on my chest. My eyes shot open, staring at the wall ahead. I enjoyed the touch and hated the fact I did.

"Get off of me..." I commanded.

"No." He answered, then added, "Not until you give me a real reason you can't accept who you are."

Who I am...

"Because I can't, understand?!" I snapped, feeling angry.

Sasori's hand traveled up my chest lightly, touching my neck and moving to my face. He covered my mouth with little pressure.

"I don't. And I don't think you understand either. There is no logical reason other then fear. But fear isn't something you are willing to admit to. The fear of yourself and things you cannot control has channeled into anger, leaving you confused and angry. Let your anger go..."

I looked at the wall ahead of me. I felt a sense of relief at finally being able to understand my emotions.

"It isn't normal, un." I whispered.

Sasori's hands ran over my lips.

"Yes. It is more normal then you think. That is why homophobia exists. These men who are so angry towards gays are simply afraid of themselves and being attracted to another male."

I think I started to come to terms with the person I was at that moment.

"But I..."

I shut my mouth, deciding to let it go.

"Maybe I could test my curiosity on you." I said, turning to look at Sasori.

Sasori blushed deeply.

"Don't keep me waiting..."


End file.
